if i were to write the song

so i’m going to quit aerie.

working 3 hours a week is just noooot cutting it at all. so i applied for a job at Opinion Search yesterday. you make your own hours, minimum of 16 a week, and so that’s pretty sick. i really hope i get it because then i can finally say bye bye debt, hello personal trainer and hello moving out.

oh my god i’m so fucking hungry. but i’m really trying to cut back on food. i feel like everytime i eat an apple, my stomach gets SO hungry right then and there. but i love apples. and i’m watching the food network so that’s probably not helping me out at all. i want to go to the gym too but i’m so sleepy and i work at 5. but i am walking to work which i’m proud of. even though it’s SO fucking cold out right now. time to bundle up. i think i’ll tan before work too, just to warm up.

i would have a popcicle right now. but my house did not have the heat on. so my toes and fingers are frozen. so a popcicle probably isn’t the greatest idea.

finally ended it with anthony. i got chirped soooo hard last night for dating him by dunsy and ollson. it was hilarious, but still kinda like great… thanks haha. but i don’t care. i honestly thought anthony would be pissed and be a complete asshole to me about it. he comes off as that kind of guy, especially how he’s talked about girls in the past. but he straight up asked if i was still interested and i explained that i can’t just be about sex and that his messages just really threw me off. i told him i still wanted to text and sit together in class because he’s a cool guy. and he wasn’t mad! at all. he completely understood and he’s texted me a little and talked to me on facebook. he’s being completely mature about it.

too bad i totally creeped your friend and basically he’s my dream guy. great taste in music, so adorable, no ego, dressed up as luigi for halloween (to me, that like made my life), nice body, and again, just so cute.

i do want to get to know him. but i highly doubt that will ever happen. he’s so shy. and anthony would like kick his ass.

its been decided i could eat all day. because i know i don’t want to go through the eating disorder thing again. i think back at how much i didn’t eat during those months with my trainer. like 800 calories a day. man i hit that before noon these days. i don’t want to weigh myself. i just want to WANT to eat healthy again and be in shape. i just want to lose like maybe 10-12 pounds? fml right now.  

seeing people sucks. they expect too much. and i don’t have that much to give. i did for one person, but that was it. if i don’t feel that deep of a connection with you, how do you feel it with me? that’s just what i don’t really understand. i’m not giving you vibes that i want something more. in fact, i’m wheeling (unfortunately the worst lay of life and another guy who had a girlfriend. my life sucks) without your knowledge and i’m not feeling guilty.

that was when i knew. when i made out with someone else and i did not feel guilty. and i would do it again. oh wait, i will. more than once. this week. i’m convinced i’m a whore. and i’m convinced i’m okay with it. until i get an sti, then i probably won’t be. just jokes! sort of. but this anthony thing is killed.

i realized that he isn’t even my type. at all. i’m not into hockey players. i’m not into egos. and if you can’t make me laugh… well boy, you’re just shit out of luck, aren’t you? and all of his clinginess is just such a turnoff that i’m not even physically attracted to him anymore. and now that i even think about it, sex wasn’t that amazing. he talks a lot during it too. and he always needs me to stroke his ego. like are you kidding me? excuse me while i go vomit, angie’s model. and we can’t even have a conversation.

so no. i’m trying to make my point clear to him. but it’s not working. he’s not taking the hints. well he is, but then i become too nice. but still honest, telling him he’s coming off strong. and he’s still dodging my question if he wants something more. i really want him to say yes. so that i can say no and say maybe this whole thing should stop because we don’t want the same thing.

please oh please say yes.

 and i want to buy an algonquin tshirt. i don’t know why, but i have that urge. maybe i will tomorrow :) with my invisible money.

seeing people sucks. they expect too much. and i don’t have that much to give. i did for one person, but that was it. if i don’t feel that deep of a connection with you, how do you feel it with me? that’s just what i don’t really understand. i’m not giving you vibes that i want something more. in fact, i’m wheeling (unfortunately the worst lay of life and another guy who had a girlfriend. my life sucks) without your knowledge and i’m not feeling guilty.

that was when i knew. when i made out with someone else and i did not feel guilty. and i would do it again. oh wait, i will. more than once. this week. i’m convinced i’m a whore. and i’m convinced i’m okay with it. until i get an sti, then i probably won’t be. just jokes! sort of. but this anthony thing is killed.

i realized that he isn’t even my type. at all. i’m not into hockey players. i’m not into egos. and if you can’t make me laugh… well boy, you’re just shit out of luck, aren’t you? and all of his clinginess is just such a turnoff that i’m not even physically attracted to him anymore. and now that i even think about it, sex wasn’t that amazing. he talks a lot during it too. and he always needs me to stroke his ego. like are you kidding me? excuse me while i go vomit, angie’s model. and we can’t even have a conversation.

so no. i’m trying to make my point clear to him. but it’s not working. he’s not taking the hints. well he is, but then i become too nice. but still honest, telling him he’s coming off strong. and he’s still dodging my question if he wants something more. i really want him to say yes. so that i can say no and say maybe this whole thing should stop because we don’t want the same thing.

please oh please say yes.

 and i want to buy an algonquin tshirt. i don’t know why, but i have that urge. maybe i will tomorrow :) with my invisible money.

the entire left side of my face hurts.

stupid sinus. but my sister had cold cyrop that actually legit tastes like grape juice. usually that’s just a lie and it still tastes like crap, but i had a teaspoon and was like OMG this is so good. i’ll have 2! i had my pepsi ready to chase it but i did not need it.

but because i’m been blowing my nose so much my head is KILLING, then it went to my cheeks, and my teeth. so i can barely eat. my mom’s like “have an apple!” oh sure. a hard fruit. so intelligent. i can barely even have bread, so i’m basically just not eating.

this better be gone by tomorrow. i do not need a runny nose trying to ruin my halloween. i’m so excited. it’s my favourite day of the year. this year i’m being a lady bug and i just painted my nails red and put black dots on them :) and tomorrow i’m making bat and pumpkin shaped cookies with my mom and then going to farnaz’s to carve a pumpkin before getting ready to get destroyed with heather.

it’s going to be very exciting :) i have to remember to drunk text sean. and robyn. oh lordy. thank god i have free texting!

so tomorrow night i’m going to a party with heather. i don’t know the guy, heather’s really good friends with him and i met him once but i was so drunk and it was in april. so basically i will know one person. but you know what? i’m still so excited regardless. i love meeting new people. when i’m drinking i’m so social. and i’m heather’s wingman so i’m going to get her to wheel.

robyn, answer me this. if i’m only seeing anthony, and we have noooo plans on being official, and i made out with someone tomorrow night (no sex i swear. why ruin a good thing), that’s not cheating? cause you need to be in an actual relationship to cheat. and we both talked about it and said we could do whatever we wanted, but then we said we didn’t want to. i mostly said that just to not sound like a slut.

holy fuck i’m hungry.

i need to update the pictures on my wall. maybe i’ll do that today before school. i think the most recent photos on there are from syracuse and going to the beach in MAY. my summer is no where to be found on my wall. and i don’t know, but i love looking at pictures of my friends. especially now that i’m single.

it’s weird. i know they say that people always ditch their friends when they get boyfriends/girlfriends. i believe that’s true. i know i did. for two solid years. and i know people hated it, and talked about it, and talked about me, but i still did it. i would bail on going out all the time unless it was a birthday. i had a boyfriend, where’s the fun in going clubbing? majority of my friends believe that dancing with another guy is cheating. seriously? get out of here. but i didn’t want them chirping.

but seriously, all of these pictures on my wall are from big events: gian/emma/heather’s combined birthday, prom, heather’s cottage, britney spears and the beach. i didn’t really do much. i haven’t done just like a random photoshoot in ages. i kind of miss those.

but again, i look at the pictures of my friends and i smile. because even though for 2 years i wasn’t as close with them as i could have been, after justin and i broke up, they welcomed me back with open arms. because even though i was “gone” for 2 years, our friendship still meant something. kind of like they knew it would happen and that i would still need someone. and those are truly good friends.

yeah i definitely need to update that corner of my bedroom. i’ve had my birthday parties, my entire effing summer (!!!), fabiola/rochelle/vanessa’s going away parties, kingston, lil wayne, blink 182… holy. maybe one day i’ll fill out that entire wall. doubt it though.

why the fuck did i wake up at 6:30 on my own?! i mean i understand that i went to bed at 10, but still. i should have slept for more than 8.5 hours. i’m sick, aren’t i? i want to pass out for like 12 hours. that would be pretty wild for me since i usually don’t even sleep past 7. i mean, there’s no one on msn, and anyone on facebook chat i have no desire to talk to. there’s still only infomercials on tv at this hour. or 5 minute long tv shows for kids with insane a.d.d (how are you supposed to learn a lesson about life in 5 minutes? even the magic schoolbus couldn’t pull that off).

ugh. i guess i can go tanning in like over an hour? at least i get paid today. i need to buy a new dress for this gala that gian invited me to with his family. anne marie’s not letting me borrow any of hers (only the fugly ones) and i have none that are a) appropriate and b) if they are, they are wayyy too big for me now. so i guess i’ll hit up winners because i need cheapcheapcheap.

the sun’s not even out yet. pathetic.

i’ve totally lost my taste buds. i can’t even taste peanut butter.

my life is over.

so i’m going to work in an hour.

i’ve been trapped at home, sick with the flu of the swine variety, but i need to socialize. i need human contact. i miss seeing people. talking to people. sure i have a fever, and i’m always coughing and sniffling and my legs really hurt, but that’s okay. i need contact. i’m going pretty insane here. and it’s only a 3 hour shift, so it won’t be that terrible.

i did cancel my date with anthony tonight though. we were going to go see paranormal activity. looks scary as fuuuck. but i don’t think i could make it though it without taking a nap somewhere.

i feel like we don’t have actual conversations anymore. like its one thing just draaaaaaged on. and its not even something interesting. i don’t know, maybe i’m just saying that because i’m sick. he’s just not the best conversationalist. sigh.

fml right now.

and justin’s fucking harrassing me through emails. he sent me this song, and i was like wtf leave me alone. he was like “you’re not the person i thought you were” because i said i refuse to dwell on the past and i have the right to be happy. like are for fucking real? so i just said “events change people. and if you think i’m a slut or whatever, then so be it” and he hasn’t answered since. thank god.

that kid will send me to a mental hospital, i swear.

what to do

i have no idea what i even want to write about. i feel like i have so much to just let go. but i just don’t know how to word it. i’m feeling a million emotions right now. so many frustrations. i just don’t even know where to start.

on the bright side, i bought my halloween costume today. i’m going to be a lady bug :) and me and heather are making halloween cookies for the party we’re getting polluted at on saturday.

and i have two midterms on tuesday. haven’t started studying. don’t want to either. i’m so sick i just want to go die. good timing mel.

look alive.

i had to take the plan b pill tonight. that was just awesome. and then i just started crying. i feel like i’ve hit a point where this is not where i wanted my life to be a month ago. i feel… friendless. i have robyn and farnaz. that is it. 2 friends. it’s not enough to me.

and i’m almost starting to feel a little used. i feel like anthony’s only in this for the sex. it should be a compliment but it’s not. i’m not a friend with benefits. i’m a girlfriend. but i can’t be his girlfriend. not like this anyways. the connection’s just not deep enough yet. it’s not the same. it just feels like as hard as i try - and i know i shouldn’t force it - it just isn’t the same. it doesn’t feel the same. i don’t want it the same. i don’t miss it the same. all of those were grammatically incorrect - but i understand my point.

if anthony stopped talking to me, it wouldn’t hurt as much. because he wasn’t my friend before.

why can’t i stop crying. i haven’t cried in months. i don’t know why. well, i do, sort of, but i shouldn’t be crying. it’s not worth it. i just feel lonely. as weird as that is. i’ve been with anthony and all, but it still feels a little empty, so i’m turning that into loneliness. i don’t know what i’m feeling right now. i feel like a mess. and i have to open tomorrow. so i shouldn’t be feeling like a mess.

my chest hurts.

oh god.

i have the food network on (obvs) and i just saw that commercial for girls with eating disorders. the one with the girl who’s on the phone with her mom saying she’s sorry she missed dinner, and that she already ate? oh my god. her body just gives me the chills. i couldn’t imagine being like that. it was disgusting. like i know girls say they’re fat and stuff, but i think i would rather be fat and happy then look like that. and your body hair gets weird, long, thin and white too.

last night was a great night. i mean, apart from great sex and great hang out time, it was great. anthony has a mirror on his dresser, and i sat up, only wearing my underwear and looked at myself. i actually legit for the first time liked what i saw. i felt really happy. i hate it when i’m sitting, and its like the roles, but i was actually really comfortable with him, basically naked all the time. but he keeps coming back for more, so clearly i can’t be disgusting. that is just the way i see it.

he’s incredible. and big. thank god. because luck hasn’t been on my side these days when it comes to that. but we just didn’t stop doing it. but it’s not all like that. we would always just lie there and talk. and i hung out with his family too. his mom is incredible at baking. and his sister is such a little 13 year old. god i don’t miss those days. but i mean, i’m happy with where we are. finally established last night that we were seeing each other and we kissed goodbye today at school. ME. i am very un-pda. but i wanted to.

i’m still not 100% feeling it though. i’m like at 90%. and i don’t know why. he’s cute, he’s nice, he’s funny, athletic, family-oriented, smart, and rich.

what’s wrong with me. but he is growing on me. i find we’re starting to act more like a couple. just the way he hugs me and kisses my hand and little things like that. and whitney was telling me today that he really wants to be my boyfriend. apparently she can tell because he’s always looking at me and i just never notice. and he always texts. but that’s just how we are. i mean if something happens, then it does. but i do truly like where we are. but the idea of something more if growing on me. i just need a wait a little more, make sure i’m 100% and that i’m ready. because i’m still not because of justin.

but only time will tell right.

ugh. ben and jerry’s on foodnetwork. what a big fuck you.