if i were to write the song

i caved.

i ate my face off all weekend. i’ve established that my metabolism is stupid high so i never get full and it burns off. but i eat SO much that i have gained a bit of weight. so christmas will be the worst thing ever. because if you put cookies and cakes and desserts in front of me, i will eat it all. hands down. it’s like.. i don’t care about what i eat. i looove to eat. i love sweets. i don’t crave salty food, or protein, or fruit (except strawberries) or anything else. just sweets. flour, sugar, butter. i’m in. vanilla too :)

but i’m losing the confidence. i’m working out, but it’s not the same as when i was with sarah. i only want to lose those 11 lbs again and then tone my stomach. so today i asked for sabrina to give me a call so we can have a training consultation. she’s great with toning but without losing too much weight. for christmas, i’m only asking for money to go towards that. i’m not paying the amount i paid last year, but i don’t think i’ll be doing a program. and i only need a month. once i’m paying for me, i won’t be eating so much because i’ll NEED to see results for what i’m paying for. because i’m not paying for a trainer now, i want results, but it’s not enough to get them, know what i mean? i don’t know, it’s weird. i’ll push myself harder and i know she’ll make me write down everything i eat. and writing tea, donut and gingerbread cookie in a snack will make me not eat it. but i will say, it was a delicious snack. fuck i love soft gingerbread cookies. thanks tim horton’s :)

but anyways yes. training will hopefully start next week. i’ll be working like crazy. i made my work availabilities. i’m excited to be completely exhausted next semester and only have one job. and i’m excited to be loaded and give it to my credit cards and goodlife.

money from mom, anne and matt will go towards credit cards. dad’s stupid amount will go towards goodlife. i’m not saving up for anything. so. anything and any amount of money to be happy…

im reading Dear John right now by Nick Sparks. it’s actually just so good and so sweet. i love nick sparks. he’s such a good writer and just makes you fall in love with romance. and the fact that the guy is in the army just kind of makes it better because of matt. but you see things that happen in the army that you don’t really hear about so it makes you sad too.

but speaking of. who talked to brady today? yes she did. good job mel. tomorrow’s another day. do it again :) i know i don’t have confidence in my body, but i’m sure glad i still have confidence in my personality and in talking to guys. i’m cool :)

i’m down to 124. i’m pretty stoked about this. but again, it’s not leaving my stomach. my arms feel scrawnier and my boobs are going back down (noooooooooooo!). of course. how come you always lose weight in the places that you just don’t care about? i don’t have a problem with my arms. as long as they don’t get more muscular than they already are because of work. girls who look jacked are just kind of gross to me. and by kind of i mean extremely.

but i haven’t worked out since monday so i have to go tonight after work. i was set to go last night, but then i had to go to my grandparents house. why you ask? to teach my grandfather (age 82) how to use facebook. how. to. use. facebook. i kid you not. it was such a headache and a half. by the time i was done, i was like fuck the gym, i need a drink. not actually but i just came home and fell asleep at a decent hour.

so it was discovered that i made my last personal trainer payment LAST month, so basically i just had money sitting in the bank. well no more! well, i do, but i decided to do some me shopping last night at work. i bought the cutest pj pants because get this - i don’t have a single pair of pjs. not one. i have one pair of boxers, but other than that i just always wore sweatpants. but no. i want pjs :) and they’re adorable. and so are my new holiday underwear. one says HOHOHO on the butt. ah. i love seasonal stuff. makes me crazy. santa is finally at bayshore! i was very excited. robyn, when you’re home, we’re going to take pictures with santa. deal? mmkay great.

okay i really need to stop procrastinating. i have a portfolio due in two and a half hours and i have NO professional photos of myself, no accomplishments in my life to describe (cause that’s really pathetic) and i have to insert real blogs on there. by real i mean appropriate. pretty sure my prof doesn’t want to hear about my weight loss tragedies and my shopping addictions.

my weekend:

• baked a lot of cookies
• ate a lot of cookies
• still at 127. fml.
• went to the gym today
• haven’t eaten yet today
• must keep going. it’s actually not that hard. yet. especially with cookies downstairs.
• i have my dumb period
• im having really bad cramps
• im exhausted
• i need to do laundry
• i need to clean my room. big time.
• and i have so much homework to do tonight after work.

there is absolutely nothing positive in that entire list.

i WILL talk to brady tomorrow. just you wait and see. thanks cosmo :)

My ship went down, in a sea of sound.
When I woke up alone I had everything;
A handful of moments, I wished I could change,
And a tongue like a nightmare, that cut like a blade.
In a city of fools, I was careful and cool,
But they tore me apart, like a hurricane.
A handful of moments, I wished I could change,
But I was carried away.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
And you can keep all your misery.

My lungs gave out, as I faced the crowd.
I think that keeping this up could be dangerous.
I’m flesh and bone, I’m a rolling stone,
and the experts say I’m delirious.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
You can take back your misery.

Arrogant girl, love yourself so no one has to.
They’re better off without you.
Arrogant girl, cause a scene like you’re supposed to.
They’ll fall asleep without you.
You’re lucky if your memory remains.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
You can take back your misery.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
You can choke on your misery.

i was doing really well today.

then i got home. and ate my face off. including a hamburger. so i went to the gym and kicked my ass and burned almost 1000 calories. i’m exhausted. but i need to keep going. cause usually i feel fine when i kill that many, but i still feel guilty. tomorrow, we try again.

127.

tomorrow, we weigh again.

try not to cry melanie. you’ve had a ridiculously hard and frustrating day.

i’ve gained 11 lbs since june.

i finally went on the scale this morning, and after peeing. so. there’s any access water weight. 130. one fucking thirty. that’s 11 lbs that i worked so hard to lose that has somehow crawled its way back on to my body. on the bright side, my boobs got bigger because i had to go up a cup size at work yesterday.

but still. i can see it in my stomach and my arms. i really didn’t think it was that bad. i thought maybe 5-7 lbs. so thats 5-7 lbs to lose. that’s not very hard. i could do that in a month. but 11??? i can do that in a month, but the hard, painful and exhausting way. so today i’m going to goodlife to sign up for a personal trainer until new years. i want that 11 lbs gone by christmas. and then i want like another week just to make sure all the christmas weight gain in gone.

i nearly cried. i still want to. cry and throw up. but i don’t throw up. so i will work out every day. i will eat only small meals. no snacking. i’m going through my kitchen today and throwing out everything that i can eat that isn’t good for me. chips, cookies, crackers, anything basically carb-ish. i’m keeping my 100-calorie per bag popcorn though. and popsicles. and apples. basically there’s a meal for me. and my fibre 1 for breakfast. it was awful cutting my calories down so much but i have to. i’d rather be hungry then depressed. i’ll be depressed, but i would rather be depressed at 119 rather than 130.

i just wish i could say no to food. i’m not bringing my wallet to school, that way i can’t just go buy muffins and sandwhiches on my breaks. and it’s just water from here on out. and diet iced tea. i love that stuff. i am not loving the stuff on my stomach right now. i looked through pictures of myself during my birthday… my body was like ideal. not the best. but ideal. and i knew i was decently happy with it because i wore a bikini that summer.

ugh i want to go back to bed. i have class til 2, then i want to work out then i have two soccer games. and my body’s pretty sore from body pump the other day. then soooo much homework to catch up on. at least i’m still doing really well in school. i should be happy about that. time to go put on my face. 

so i’m going to quit aerie.

working 3 hours a week is just noooot cutting it at all. so i applied for a job at Opinion Search yesterday. you make your own hours, minimum of 16 a week, and so that’s pretty sick. i really hope i get it because then i can finally say bye bye debt, hello personal trainer and hello moving out.

oh my god i’m so fucking hungry. but i’m really trying to cut back on food. i feel like everytime i eat an apple, my stomach gets SO hungry right then and there. but i love apples. and i’m watching the food network so that’s probably not helping me out at all. i want to go to the gym too but i’m so sleepy and i work at 5. but i am walking to work which i’m proud of. even though it’s SO fucking cold out right now. time to bundle up. i think i’ll tan before work too, just to warm up.

i would have a popcicle right now. but my house did not have the heat on. so my toes and fingers are frozen. so a popcicle probably isn’t the greatest idea.

finally ended it with anthony. i got chirped soooo hard last night for dating him by dunsy and ollson. it was hilarious, but still kinda like great… thanks haha. but i don’t care. i honestly thought anthony would be pissed and be a complete asshole to me about it. he comes off as that kind of guy, especially how he’s talked about girls in the past. but he straight up asked if i was still interested and i explained that i can’t just be about sex and that his messages just really threw me off. i told him i still wanted to text and sit together in class because he’s a cool guy. and he wasn’t mad! at all. he completely understood and he’s texted me a little and talked to me on facebook. he’s being completely mature about it.

too bad i totally creeped your friend and basically he’s my dream guy. great taste in music, so adorable, no ego, dressed up as luigi for halloween (to me, that like made my life), nice body, and again, just so cute.

i do want to get to know him. but i highly doubt that will ever happen. he’s so shy. and anthony would like kick his ass.

its been decided i could eat all day. because i know i don’t want to go through the eating disorder thing again. i think back at how much i didn’t eat during those months with my trainer. like 800 calories a day. man i hit that before noon these days. i don’t want to weigh myself. i just want to WANT to eat healthy again and be in shape. i just want to lose like maybe 10-12 pounds? fml right now.  

seeing people sucks. they expect too much. and i don’t have that much to give. i did for one person, but that was it. if i don’t feel that deep of a connection with you, how do you feel it with me? that’s just what i don’t really understand. i’m not giving you vibes that i want something more. in fact, i’m wheeling (unfortunately the worst lay of life and another guy who had a girlfriend. my life sucks) without your knowledge and i’m not feeling guilty.

that was when i knew. when i made out with someone else and i did not feel guilty. and i would do it again. oh wait, i will. more than once. this week. i’m convinced i’m a whore. and i’m convinced i’m okay with it. until i get an sti, then i probably won’t be. just jokes! sort of. but this anthony thing is killed.

i realized that he isn’t even my type. at all. i’m not into hockey players. i’m not into egos. and if you can’t make me laugh… well boy, you’re just shit out of luck, aren’t you? and all of his clinginess is just such a turnoff that i’m not even physically attracted to him anymore. and now that i even think about it, sex wasn’t that amazing. he talks a lot during it too. and he always needs me to stroke his ego. like are you kidding me? excuse me while i go vomit, angie’s model. and we can’t even have a conversation.

so no. i’m trying to make my point clear to him. but it’s not working. he’s not taking the hints. well he is, but then i become too nice. but still honest, telling him he’s coming off strong. and he’s still dodging my question if he wants something more. i really want him to say yes. so that i can say no and say maybe this whole thing should stop because we don’t want the same thing.

please oh please say yes.

 and i want to buy an algonquin tshirt. i don’t know why, but i have that urge. maybe i will tomorrow :) with my invisible money.

seeing people sucks. they expect too much. and i don’t have that much to give. i did for one person, but that was it. if i don’t feel that deep of a connection with you, how do you feel it with me? that’s just what i don’t really understand. i’m not giving you vibes that i want something more. in fact, i’m wheeling (unfortunately the worst lay of life and another guy who had a girlfriend. my life sucks) without your knowledge and i’m not feeling guilty.

that was when i knew. when i made out with someone else and i did not feel guilty. and i would do it again. oh wait, i will. more than once. this week. i’m convinced i’m a whore. and i’m convinced i’m okay with it. until i get an sti, then i probably won’t be. just jokes! sort of. but this anthony thing is killed.

i realized that he isn’t even my type. at all. i’m not into hockey players. i’m not into egos. and if you can’t make me laugh… well boy, you’re just shit out of luck, aren’t you? and all of his clinginess is just such a turnoff that i’m not even physically attracted to him anymore. and now that i even think about it, sex wasn’t that amazing. he talks a lot during it too. and he always needs me to stroke his ego. like are you kidding me? excuse me while i go vomit, angie’s model. and we can’t even have a conversation.

so no. i’m trying to make my point clear to him. but it’s not working. he’s not taking the hints. well he is, but then i become too nice. but still honest, telling him he’s coming off strong. and he’s still dodging my question if he wants something more. i really want him to say yes. so that i can say no and say maybe this whole thing should stop because we don’t want the same thing.

please oh please say yes.

 and i want to buy an algonquin tshirt. i don’t know why, but i have that urge. maybe i will tomorrow :) with my invisible money.

the entire left side of my face hurts.

stupid sinus. but my sister had cold cyrop that actually legit tastes like grape juice. usually that’s just a lie and it still tastes like crap, but i had a teaspoon and was like OMG this is so good. i’ll have 2! i had my pepsi ready to chase it but i did not need it.

but because i’m been blowing my nose so much my head is KILLING, then it went to my cheeks, and my teeth. so i can barely eat. my mom’s like “have an apple!” oh sure. a hard fruit. so intelligent. i can barely even have bread, so i’m basically just not eating.

this better be gone by tomorrow. i do not need a runny nose trying to ruin my halloween. i’m so excited. it’s my favourite day of the year. this year i’m being a lady bug and i just painted my nails red and put black dots on them :) and tomorrow i’m making bat and pumpkin shaped cookies with my mom and then going to farnaz’s to carve a pumpkin before getting ready to get destroyed with heather.

it’s going to be very exciting :) i have to remember to drunk text sean. and robyn. oh lordy. thank god i have free texting!

so tomorrow night i’m going to a party with heather. i don’t know the guy, heather’s really good friends with him and i met him once but i was so drunk and it was in april. so basically i will know one person. but you know what? i’m still so excited regardless. i love meeting new people. when i’m drinking i’m so social. and i’m heather’s wingman so i’m going to get her to wheel.

robyn, answer me this. if i’m only seeing anthony, and we have noooo plans on being official, and i made out with someone tomorrow night (no sex i swear. why ruin a good thing), that’s not cheating? cause you need to be in an actual relationship to cheat. and we both talked about it and said we could do whatever we wanted, but then we said we didn’t want to. i mostly said that just to not sound like a slut.

holy fuck i’m hungry.