if i were to write the song

oh god.

i have the food network on (obvs) and i just saw that commercial for girls with eating disorders. the one with the girl who’s on the phone with her mom saying she’s sorry she missed dinner, and that she already ate? oh my god. her body just gives me the chills. i couldn’t imagine being like that. it was disgusting. like i know girls say they’re fat and stuff, but i think i would rather be fat and happy then look like that. and your body hair gets weird, long, thin and white too.

last night was a great night. i mean, apart from great sex and great hang out time, it was great. anthony has a mirror on his dresser, and i sat up, only wearing my underwear and looked at myself. i actually legit for the first time liked what i saw. i felt really happy. i hate it when i’m sitting, and its like the roles, but i was actually really comfortable with him, basically naked all the time. but he keeps coming back for more, so clearly i can’t be disgusting. that is just the way i see it.

he’s incredible. and big. thank god. because luck hasn’t been on my side these days when it comes to that. but we just didn’t stop doing it. but it’s not all like that. we would always just lie there and talk. and i hung out with his family too. his mom is incredible at baking. and his sister is such a little 13 year old. god i don’t miss those days. but i mean, i’m happy with where we are. finally established last night that we were seeing each other and we kissed goodbye today at school. ME. i am very un-pda. but i wanted to.

i’m still not 100% feeling it though. i’m like at 90%. and i don’t know why. he’s cute, he’s nice, he’s funny, athletic, family-oriented, smart, and rich.

what’s wrong with me. but he is growing on me. i find we’re starting to act more like a couple. just the way he hugs me and kisses my hand and little things like that. and whitney was telling me today that he really wants to be my boyfriend. apparently she can tell because he’s always looking at me and i just never notice. and he always texts. but that’s just how we are. i mean if something happens, then it does. but i do truly like where we are. but the idea of something more if growing on me. i just need a wait a little more, make sure i’m 100% and that i’m ready. because i’m still not because of justin.

but only time will tell right.

ugh. ben and jerry’s on foodnetwork. what a big fuck you.

i had to take the plan b pill tonight. that was just awesome. and then i just started crying. i feel like i’ve hit a point where this is not where i wanted my life to be a month ago. i feel… friendless. i have robyn and farnaz. that is it. 2 friends. it’s not enough to me.

and i’m almost starting to feel a little used. i feel like anthony’s only in this for the sex. it should be a compliment but it’s not. i’m not a friend with benefits. i’m a girlfriend. but i can’t be his girlfriend. not like this anyways. the connection’s just not deep enough yet. it’s not the same. it just feels like as hard as i try - and i know i shouldn’t force it - it just isn’t the same. it doesn’t feel the same. i don’t want it the same. i don’t miss it the same. all of those were grammatically incorrect - but i understand my point.

if anthony stopped talking to me, it wouldn’t hurt as much. because he wasn’t my friend before.

why can’t i stop crying. i haven’t cried in months. i don’t know why. well, i do, sort of, but i shouldn’t be crying. it’s not worth it. i just feel lonely. as weird as that is. i’ve been with anthony and all, but it still feels a little empty, so i’m turning that into loneliness. i don’t know what i’m feeling right now. i feel like a mess. and i have to open tomorrow. so i shouldn’t be feeling like a mess.

my chest hurts.