if i were to write the song

the entire left side of my face hurts.

stupid sinus. but my sister had cold cyrop that actually legit tastes like grape juice. usually that’s just a lie and it still tastes like crap, but i had a teaspoon and was like OMG this is so good. i’ll have 2! i had my pepsi ready to chase it but i did not need it.

but because i’m been blowing my nose so much my head is KILLING, then it went to my cheeks, and my teeth. so i can barely eat. my mom’s like “have an apple!” oh sure. a hard fruit. so intelligent. i can barely even have bread, so i’m basically just not eating.

this better be gone by tomorrow. i do not need a runny nose trying to ruin my halloween. i’m so excited. it’s my favourite day of the year. this year i’m being a lady bug and i just painted my nails red and put black dots on them :) and tomorrow i’m making bat and pumpkin shaped cookies with my mom and then going to farnaz’s to carve a pumpkin before getting ready to get destroyed with heather.

it’s going to be very exciting :) i have to remember to drunk text sean. and robyn. oh lordy. thank god i have free texting!

so tomorrow night i’m going to a party with heather. i don’t know the guy, heather’s really good friends with him and i met him once but i was so drunk and it was in april. so basically i will know one person. but you know what? i’m still so excited regardless. i love meeting new people. when i’m drinking i’m so social. and i’m heather’s wingman so i’m going to get her to wheel.

robyn, answer me this. if i’m only seeing anthony, and we have noooo plans on being official, and i made out with someone tomorrow night (no sex i swear. why ruin a good thing), that’s not cheating? cause you need to be in an actual relationship to cheat. and we both talked about it and said we could do whatever we wanted, but then we said we didn’t want to. i mostly said that just to not sound like a slut.

holy fuck i’m hungry.

i need to update the pictures on my wall. maybe i’ll do that today before school. i think the most recent photos on there are from syracuse and going to the beach in MAY. my summer is no where to be found on my wall. and i don’t know, but i love looking at pictures of my friends. especially now that i’m single.

it’s weird. i know they say that people always ditch their friends when they get boyfriends/girlfriends. i believe that’s true. i know i did. for two solid years. and i know people hated it, and talked about it, and talked about me, but i still did it. i would bail on going out all the time unless it was a birthday. i had a boyfriend, where’s the fun in going clubbing? majority of my friends believe that dancing with another guy is cheating. seriously? get out of here. but i didn’t want them chirping.

but seriously, all of these pictures on my wall are from big events: gian/emma/heather’s combined birthday, prom, heather’s cottage, britney spears and the beach. i didn’t really do much. i haven’t done just like a random photoshoot in ages. i kind of miss those.

but again, i look at the pictures of my friends and i smile. because even though for 2 years i wasn’t as close with them as i could have been, after justin and i broke up, they welcomed me back with open arms. because even though i was “gone” for 2 years, our friendship still meant something. kind of like they knew it would happen and that i would still need someone. and those are truly good friends.

yeah i definitely need to update that corner of my bedroom. i’ve had my birthday parties, my entire effing summer (!!!), fabiola/rochelle/vanessa’s going away parties, kingston, lil wayne, blink 182… holy. maybe one day i’ll fill out that entire wall. doubt it though.

why the fuck did i wake up at 6:30 on my own?! i mean i understand that i went to bed at 10, but still. i should have slept for more than 8.5 hours. i’m sick, aren’t i? i want to pass out for like 12 hours. that would be pretty wild for me since i usually don’t even sleep past 7. i mean, there’s no one on msn, and anyone on facebook chat i have no desire to talk to. there’s still only infomercials on tv at this hour. or 5 minute long tv shows for kids with insane a.d.d (how are you supposed to learn a lesson about life in 5 minutes? even the magic schoolbus couldn’t pull that off).

ugh. i guess i can go tanning in like over an hour? at least i get paid today. i need to buy a new dress for this gala that gian invited me to with his family. anne marie’s not letting me borrow any of hers (only the fugly ones) and i have none that are a) appropriate and b) if they are, they are wayyy too big for me now. so i guess i’ll hit up winners because i need cheapcheapcheap.

the sun’s not even out yet. pathetic.

i’ve totally lost my taste buds. i can’t even taste peanut butter.

my life is over.

so i’m going to work in an hour.

i’ve been trapped at home, sick with the flu of the swine variety, but i need to socialize. i need human contact. i miss seeing people. talking to people. sure i have a fever, and i’m always coughing and sniffling and my legs really hurt, but that’s okay. i need contact. i’m going pretty insane here. and it’s only a 3 hour shift, so it won’t be that terrible.

i did cancel my date with anthony tonight though. we were going to go see paranormal activity. looks scary as fuuuck. but i don’t think i could make it though it without taking a nap somewhere.

i feel like we don’t have actual conversations anymore. like its one thing just draaaaaaged on. and its not even something interesting. i don’t know, maybe i’m just saying that because i’m sick. he’s just not the best conversationalist. sigh.

fml right now.

and justin’s fucking harrassing me through emails. he sent me this song, and i was like wtf leave me alone. he was like “you’re not the person i thought you were” because i said i refuse to dwell on the past and i have the right to be happy. like are for fucking real? so i just said “events change people. and if you think i’m a slut or whatever, then so be it” and he hasn’t answered since. thank god.

that kid will send me to a mental hospital, i swear.

what to do

i have no idea what i even want to write about. i feel like i have so much to just let go. but i just don’t know how to word it. i’m feeling a million emotions right now. so many frustrations. i just don’t even know where to start.

on the bright side, i bought my halloween costume today. i’m going to be a lady bug :) and me and heather are making halloween cookies for the party we’re getting polluted at on saturday.

and i have two midterms on tuesday. haven’t started studying. don’t want to either. i’m so sick i just want to go die. good timing mel.

look alive.

i had to take the plan b pill tonight. that was just awesome. and then i just started crying. i feel like i’ve hit a point where this is not where i wanted my life to be a month ago. i feel… friendless. i have robyn and farnaz. that is it. 2 friends. it’s not enough to me.

and i’m almost starting to feel a little used. i feel like anthony’s only in this for the sex. it should be a compliment but it’s not. i’m not a friend with benefits. i’m a girlfriend. but i can’t be his girlfriend. not like this anyways. the connection’s just not deep enough yet. it’s not the same. it just feels like as hard as i try - and i know i shouldn’t force it - it just isn’t the same. it doesn’t feel the same. i don’t want it the same. i don’t miss it the same. all of those were grammatically incorrect - but i understand my point.

if anthony stopped talking to me, it wouldn’t hurt as much. because he wasn’t my friend before.

why can’t i stop crying. i haven’t cried in months. i don’t know why. well, i do, sort of, but i shouldn’t be crying. it’s not worth it. i just feel lonely. as weird as that is. i’ve been with anthony and all, but it still feels a little empty, so i’m turning that into loneliness. i don’t know what i’m feeling right now. i feel like a mess. and i have to open tomorrow. so i shouldn’t be feeling like a mess.

my chest hurts.

oh god.

i have the food network on (obvs) and i just saw that commercial for girls with eating disorders. the one with the girl who’s on the phone with her mom saying she’s sorry she missed dinner, and that she already ate? oh my god. her body just gives me the chills. i couldn’t imagine being like that. it was disgusting. like i know girls say they’re fat and stuff, but i think i would rather be fat and happy then look like that. and your body hair gets weird, long, thin and white too.

last night was a great night. i mean, apart from great sex and great hang out time, it was great. anthony has a mirror on his dresser, and i sat up, only wearing my underwear and looked at myself. i actually legit for the first time liked what i saw. i felt really happy. i hate it when i’m sitting, and its like the roles, but i was actually really comfortable with him, basically naked all the time. but he keeps coming back for more, so clearly i can’t be disgusting. that is just the way i see it.

he’s incredible. and big. thank god. because luck hasn’t been on my side these days when it comes to that. but we just didn’t stop doing it. but it’s not all like that. we would always just lie there and talk. and i hung out with his family too. his mom is incredible at baking. and his sister is such a little 13 year old. god i don’t miss those days. but i mean, i’m happy with where we are. finally established last night that we were seeing each other and we kissed goodbye today at school. ME. i am very un-pda. but i wanted to.

i’m still not 100% feeling it though. i’m like at 90%. and i don’t know why. he’s cute, he’s nice, he’s funny, athletic, family-oriented, smart, and rich.

what’s wrong with me. but he is growing on me. i find we’re starting to act more like a couple. just the way he hugs me and kisses my hand and little things like that. and whitney was telling me today that he really wants to be my boyfriend. apparently she can tell because he’s always looking at me and i just never notice. and he always texts. but that’s just how we are. i mean if something happens, then it does. but i do truly like where we are. but the idea of something more if growing on me. i just need a wait a little more, make sure i’m 100% and that i’m ready. because i’m still not because of justin.

but only time will tell right.

ugh. ben and jerry’s on foodnetwork. what a big fuck you.

so anthony and i came to a conclusion late last night.

we’re getting married!!!

i kid of course. we both agreed that we don’t want to go any further than we are now. so we’re seeing each other. and only each other really. but we don’t want the pressure, the title or anything else that comes with being officially a couple. we’ve both just come out of relationships, so maybe it’s too soon for him? i said it was for me, but that’s not completely true.

i just like where we are. that’s it. i don’t want to be his girlfriend. maybe soon i’ll be someone’s girlfriend, but i can’t see myself as his. our relationship is too flirty, too sexual if i had to say something. but it’s not very deep. i mean, he makes me laugh, he’s nice, good looking, has good taste. but for ME personally, he’s not someone i can picture as my boyfriend.

so that’s all we are really. and we’re both happy and comfortable with that. no one really knows that there’s something going on here. i think like 3 or 4 people know i’m seeing someone? i’m not really telling everyone on the planet because it’s not serious, it’s not about to get serious, and it’s just fun and casual. nothing to really make a big deal about. if i get asked, then sure i’ll tell. but i won’t brag or put it on facebook.

it is what it is, and nothing more. and i’m okay with that. at least if the “i think we should see other people” speech happens, it’s easier than “we should break up”. so to me the cup is half full.

but i need to effing sleep. aerie’s killing me and i have an accounting test that i am not ready for in the morning. fml.

i’ve basically just been really traumatized for the first time. i’ve never really witnessed abuse. it’s actually a scary thing. whenever new people come over, we warn them: don’t touch or try and pet cooper. he’s not nice with strangers. you have to let him come to you. well, my retarded aunt (surprisingly not the crazy one) is visiting, and she’s been here all night for dinner, and cooper still didn’t warm up to her. so she went down to pet him after dinner, and he nipped. that’s all. he growled and he nipped like he always does. what does she do?

beats him. literally starts hitting his body against the ground and starts pounding him. i’ve never heard that sound come out of cooper before. what does my mom do? she watches and let’s it happen, helping her hold cooper down. he gets free and bites her. tears some skin obviously. it’s like a human, if you’re getting beat up, you fight back. it’s a completely natural instinct. she just keeps on going. cooper is so upset by this point that he’s both peed and pooed right there on the spot. i kept screaming at her to stop but she wouldn’t. and my mom, grandparents and sister just watched. my uncle was encouraging it. like for fuck’s sake, he’s a puppy!!

after being very forceful i finally got him and ran up to my room. he was shaking like crazy, i was crying. like cooper is my pet. he is my child. i understand if he nips, you hit him ONCE. once is enough. you dont hold him down and keep going and going and going.

so my mom comes upstairs and tries to explain. there is NO explaination. you do not abuse a human or an animal. you do not abuse a living creature. dogs may not be able to talk, but they can still feel, just like everyone else. my aunt was going on about how if he does that to anyone else, they can put him down. ok a) we give every person a warning, DONT touch him. and b) he bit you hard because you were tearing into him. it’s called defense.

my mom tried to take cooper away from me but i just couldn’t let go of him. i understand that i’m almost encouraging what he did, but i’m not. i’m protecting my dog from her and her disgusting training tactics. that is NOT how it’s done. i’ve had 3 dogs before. it is NEVER how it’s done.

oh my god. i need to go do something productive. i’m going to shoppers. spending money makes me happy.

robyn vincent, you are adorable.

so date #2 was a success last night. he picked me up from a brutal 9 hour shift at aerie (where i didnt go on break for SEVEN hours. i was starved) and we saw the stepfather. not as scary as i thought it would be. like at all. i jumped once. but dan humphrey is haaaaat. just saying. so basically spent a few extra hours with anthony because he drove me home and we were talking for about an hour with the radio on when booooom. car battery dies. i don’t have cables for that, so he had to call CAA, so we just hung out inside. he met my mother at 2:30 in the morning. how awesome. not.

sigh. why me? why can’t i be 100% into this. can someone please tell me why. it’s driving me bananas. because he’s really into me. i can tell. and i like him. but i don’t know. i can’t see it going any further than this right now. i almost don’t want it to. i don’t know what i want to be honest. fuck. not another pickle. i hate pickles. actual pickles and imaginary pickles.

i really want to go shopping. i just found the cuuuuutest things at aerie yesterday as we finally went through our apparel. im excited for a discount. and new clothes all over the place. but i really want to shop right now. i just have no money. but i have got so many hours from aerie this week. plus megatan it’s like 30. my next paycheck will be awesome. but unfortunately it has to go towards my creditcards. they need to be paid down. A LOT. and then ill probably use it within the next ten minutes. omgggg who gave me a credit card. and EVERY day at school, as i’m walking past the portable feast, the guy at the BMO stand always asks if i want to sign up for a creditcard. one day i’ll probably cave and say yes. and i’ll be going to hell that same day.

so i went out for breakfast with jasmine today. haven’t seen her since maybe april. and before that was high school. but now she’s home for good and we had a really nice time. i do miss her. but she did tell me something. once, when she and vlada were talking about my weight loss, vlada told jasmine “well melanie was really fat in grade 11”. yup. this was my best friend. my anorexic best friend. how awesome. and jasmine loooooved that since we were like the same size. so i’m pretty happy i didn’t invite her along. but it sucks that i wasn’t invited to jasmine’s wedding. i’m sure if we were talking again a year ago, i would have been. but it still sucks cause we were attached at the hip for 3 years. we knew everything about each other, the 3 of us. but that’s just life isn’t it. i’m sure when i get married, i won’t not invite her because i wasn’t invited to hers. but cora’s was also ridiculous. just saying.

i want to nap so badly right now. and eat. even though i just ate a feast.

fml.