if i were to write the song

i had to take the plan b pill tonight. that was just awesome. and then i just started crying. i feel like i’ve hit a point where this is not where i wanted my life to be a month ago. i feel… friendless. i have robyn and farnaz. that is it. 2 friends. it’s not enough to me.

and i’m almost starting to feel a little used. i feel like anthony’s only in this for the sex. it should be a compliment but it’s not. i’m not a friend with benefits. i’m a girlfriend. but i can’t be his girlfriend. not like this anyways. the connection’s just not deep enough yet. it’s not the same. it just feels like as hard as i try - and i know i shouldn’t force it - it just isn’t the same. it doesn’t feel the same. i don’t want it the same. i don’t miss it the same. all of those were grammatically incorrect - but i understand my point.

if anthony stopped talking to me, it wouldn’t hurt as much. because he wasn’t my friend before.

why can’t i stop crying. i haven’t cried in months. i don’t know why. well, i do, sort of, but i shouldn’t be crying. it’s not worth it. i just feel lonely. as weird as that is. i’ve been with anthony and all, but it still feels a little empty, so i’m turning that into loneliness. i don’t know what i’m feeling right now. i feel like a mess. and i have to open tomorrow. so i shouldn’t be feeling like a mess.

my chest hurts.