if i were to write the song

don't be scared; i've done this before

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 01:17:37 -0500

ok gross alert: sleeping in cold sweat is disgusting. i know i should have showered, but i don’t want to work out til midnight, shower, only to work out again at 9 am, then shower again. and i’m way too fucking tired. i hit my bed tonight so fast.

so my mom signed me up for this cookie exchange thing. THANKS MOM. hell no am i going. but now i have to make… 9 dozen cookies. i kid you not. but because of the recipe it was like 10-11 dozen. so basically my lunch and dinner today was a shit load of ginger molasses cookies. i don’t mean to toot my own horn, but they’re amazing. but omg. i’m never making those again or else i’ll lose my mind. needless to say, the biggest nap ever took place. BUT OF COURSE people had to keep texting me or calling the house phone. so i was waking up here and there. just the worst. i’m going to sleep like a baby tonight.

until i have to get up at 7 to drive my mom to work cause i need the car to do a million and three things tomorrow. gym, appointment with trainer, class, shopping, beer with class/marco (laaaave), work, then mavericks with adam and michelle to go see tates’ band.

then sleep? oh no wait. i have a makeup exam on saturday morning from when i had the pig flu. so excited. but i work from 830-2 at aerie, so i should probably switch that shift or else i’ll be in shit with them yet again. i won’t lie, i kind of can’t wait til i’m done there. only one more month. having two jobs is stressful and i’m finally being trained on front desk this week at megatan. and i like my job there. sure it’s boring and goes by really slowly, but its the same thing. you can’t fuck up and my boss is far from a bitch unlike jana. who believes answering her first on the head set is far more important to do then finish talking to your customer. but yet we have to talk to them all or she gets pissed. what the fuck. ugh. but yes. i’m going to tell them not to pick me to stay past the 13th. i’ll buy all my bras and shiz before i go so that i’m solid afterwards. i’ll take my free cancer.

i work 6 days next week. 32 hours. pretty good right. yeah i have 2 exams. i feel kind of fucked, not gonna lie. and the one day i have off (monday) i have my soccer christmas party. which i don’t really want to miss. i’m skipping my aerie dinner sunday night. bp two nights in a row? nat happening. especially with girls i don’t even really know. plus i’m broke. plus i need to memorize 1839482933 accounting equations. my fav.

i need to fucking sleep. ps cooper got his hair cut today! he’s so fugly :) i lav it

i left my hand & heart out on the dancefloor

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:10:53 -0500

i caved.

i ate my face off all weekend. i’ve established that my metabolism is stupid high so i never get full and it burns off. but i eat SO much that i have gained a bit of weight. so christmas will be the worst thing ever. because if you put cookies and cakes and desserts in front of me, i will eat it all. hands down. it’s like.. i don’t care about what i eat. i looove to eat. i love sweets. i don’t crave salty food, or protein, or fruit (except strawberries) or anything else. just sweets. flour, sugar, butter. i’m in. vanilla too :)

but i’m losing the confidence. i’m working out, but it’s not the same as when i was with sarah. i only want to lose those 11 lbs again and then tone my stomach. so today i asked for sabrina to give me a call so we can have a training consultation. she’s great with toning but without losing too much weight. for christmas, i’m only asking for money to go towards that. i’m not paying the amount i paid last year, but i don’t think i’ll be doing a program. and i only need a month. once i’m paying for me, i won’t be eating so much because i’ll NEED to see results for what i’m paying for. because i’m not paying for a trainer now, i want results, but it’s not enough to get them, know what i mean? i don’t know, it’s weird. i’ll push myself harder and i know she’ll make me write down everything i eat. and writing tea, donut and gingerbread cookie in a snack will make me not eat it. but i will say, it was a delicious snack. fuck i love soft gingerbread cookies. thanks tim horton’s :)

but anyways yes. training will hopefully start next week. i’ll be working like crazy. i made my work availabilities. i’m excited to be completely exhausted next semester and only have one job. and i’m excited to be loaded and give it to my credit cards and goodlife.

money from mom, anne and matt will go towards credit cards. dad’s stupid amount will go towards goodlife. i’m not saving up for anything. so. anything and any amount of money to be happy…

im reading Dear John right now by Nick Sparks. it’s actually just so good and so sweet. i love nick sparks. he’s such a good writer and just makes you fall in love with romance. and the fact that the guy is in the army just kind of makes it better because of matt. but you see things that happen in the army that you don’t really hear about so it makes you sad too.

but speaking of. who talked to brady today? yes she did. good job mel. tomorrow’s another day. do it again :) i know i don’t have confidence in my body, but i’m sure glad i still have confidence in my personality and in talking to guys. i’m cool :)

throw it away, forget yesterday: we'll make the great escape

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:35:01 -0500

i’m down to 124. i’m pretty stoked about this. but again, it’s not leaving my stomach. my arms feel scrawnier and my boobs are going back down (noooooooooooo!). of course. how come you always lose weight in the places that you just don’t care about? i don’t have a problem with my arms. as long as they don’t get more muscular than they already are because of work. girls who look jacked are just kind of gross to me. and by kind of i mean extremely.

but i haven’t worked out since monday so i have to go tonight after work. i was set to go last night, but then i had to go to my grandparents house. why you ask? to teach my grandfather (age 82) how to use facebook. how. to. use. facebook. i kid you not. it was such a headache and a half. by the time i was done, i was like fuck the gym, i need a drink. not actually but i just came home and fell asleep at a decent hour.

so it was discovered that i made my last personal trainer payment LAST month, so basically i just had money sitting in the bank. well no more! well, i do, but i decided to do some me shopping last night at work. i bought the cutest pj pants because get this - i don’t have a single pair of pjs. not one. i have one pair of boxers, but other than that i just always wore sweatpants. but no. i want pjs :) and they’re adorable. and so are my new holiday underwear. one says HOHOHO on the butt. ah. i love seasonal stuff. makes me crazy. santa is finally at bayshore! i was very excited. robyn, when you’re home, we’re going to take pictures with santa. deal? mmkay great.

okay i really need to stop procrastinating. i have a portfolio due in two and a half hours and i have NO professional photos of myself, no accomplishments in my life to describe (cause that’s really pathetic) and i have to insert real blogs on there. by real i mean appropriate. pretty sure my prof doesn’t want to hear about my weight loss tragedies and my shopping addictions.

my weekend: baked a lot of cookies ate a lot of cookies still at 127. fml. went to the gym...

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 11:42:16 -0500

my weekend:

baked a lot of cookies
ate a lot of cookies
still at 127. fml.
went to the gym today
haven’t eaten yet today
must keep going. it’s actually not that hard. yet. especially with cookies downstairs.
i have my dumb period
im having really bad cramps
im exhausted
i need to do laundry
i need to clean my room. big time.
and i have so much homework to do tonight after work.

there is absolutely nothing positive in that entire list.

i WILL talk to brady tomorrow. just you wait and see. thanks cosmo :)

My ship went down, in a sea of sound.When I woke up alone I had everything;A handful of moments, I...

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:16:19 -0500

My ship went down, in a sea of sound.
When I woke up alone I had everything;
A handful of moments, I wished I could change,
And a tongue like a nightmare, that cut like a blade.
In a city of fools, I was careful and cool,
But they tore me apart, like a hurricane.
A handful of moments, I wished I could change,
But I was carried away.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
And you can keep all your misery.

My lungs gave out, as I faced the crowd.
I think that keeping this up could be dangerous.
I’m flesh and bone, I’m a rolling stone,
and the experts say I’m delirious.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
You can take back your misery.

Arrogant girl, love yourself so no one has to.
They’re better off without you.
Arrogant girl, cause a scene like you’re supposed to.
They’ll fall asleep without you.
You’re lucky if your memory remains.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
You can take back your misery.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
You can choke on your misery.

she's so lost in stereo

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:53:25 -0500

i was doing really well today.

then i got home. and ate my face off. including a hamburger. so i went to the gym and kicked my ass and burned almost 1000 calories. i’m exhausted. but i need to keep going. cause usually i feel fine when i kill that many, but i still feel guilty. tomorrow, we try again.

127.

tomorrow, we weigh again.

try not to cry melanie. you’ve had a ridiculously hard and frustrating day.

maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:40:00 -0500

i’ve gained 11 lbs since june.

i finally went on the scale this morning, and after peeing. so. there’s any access water weight. 130. one fucking thirty. that’s 11 lbs that i worked so hard to lose that has somehow crawled its way back on to my body. on the bright side, my boobs got bigger because i had to go up a cup size at work yesterday.

but still. i can see it in my stomach and my arms. i really didn’t think it was that bad. i thought maybe 5-7 lbs. so thats 5-7 lbs to lose. that’s not very hard. i could do that in a month. but 11??? i can do that in a month, but the hard, painful and exhausting way. so today i’m going to goodlife to sign up for a personal trainer until new years. i want that 11 lbs gone by christmas. and then i want like another week just to make sure all the christmas weight gain in gone.

i nearly cried. i still want to. cry and throw up. but i don’t throw up. so i will work out every day. i will eat only small meals. no snacking. i’m going through my kitchen today and throwing out everything that i can eat that isn’t good for me. chips, cookies, crackers, anything basically carb-ish. i’m keeping my 100-calorie per bag popcorn though. and popsicles. and apples. basically there’s a meal for me. and my fibre 1 for breakfast. it was awful cutting my calories down so much but i have to. i’d rather be hungry then depressed. i’ll be depressed, but i would rather be depressed at 119 rather than 130.

i just wish i could say no to food. i’m not bringing my wallet to school, that way i can’t just go buy muffins and sandwhiches on my breaks. and it’s just water from here on out. and diet iced tea. i love that stuff. i am not loving the stuff on my stomach right now. i looked through pictures of myself during my birthday… my body was like ideal. not the best. but ideal. and i knew i was decently happy with it because i wore a bikini that summer.

ugh i want to go back to bed. i have class til 2, then i want to work out then i have two soccer games. and my body’s pretty sore from body pump the other day. then soooo much homework to catch up on. at least i’m still doing really well in school. i should be happy about that. time to go put on my face.

so i’m going to quit aerie. working 3 hours a week is just noooot cutting it at all. so i...

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:20:46 -0500

so i’m going to quit aerie.

working 3 hours a week is just noooot cutting it at all. so i applied for a job at Opinion Search yesterday. you make your own hours, minimum of 16 a week, and so that’s pretty sick. i really hope i get it because then i can finally say bye bye debt, hello personal trainer and hello moving out.

oh my god i’m so fucking hungry. but i’m really trying to cut back on food. i feel like everytime i eat an apple, my stomach gets SO hungry right then and there. but i love apples. and i’m watching the food network so that’s probably not helping me out at all. i want to go to the gym too but i’m so sleepy and i work at 5. but i am walking to work which i’m proud of. even though it’s SO fucking cold out right now. time to bundle up. i think i’ll tan before work too, just to warm up.

i would have a popcicle right now. but my house did not have the heat on. so my toes and fingers are frozen. so a popcicle probably isn’t the greatest idea.

finally ended it with anthony. i got chirped soooo hard last night for dating him by dunsy and ollson. it was hilarious, but still kinda like great… thanks haha. but i don’t care. i honestly thought anthony would be pissed and be a complete asshole to me about it. he comes off as that kind of guy, especially how he’s talked about girls in the past. but he straight up asked if i was still interested and i explained that i can’t just be about sex and that his messages just really threw me off. i told him i still wanted to text and sit together in class because he’s a cool guy. and he wasn’t mad! at all. he completely understood and he’s texted me a little and talked to me on facebook. he’s being completely mature about it.

too bad i totally creeped your friend and basically he’s my dream guy. great taste in music, so adorable, no ego, dressed up as luigi for halloween (to me, that like made my life), nice body, and again, just so cute.

i do want to get to know him. but i highly doubt that will ever happen. he’s so shy. and anthony would like kick his ass.

its been decided i could eat all day. because i know i don’t want to go through the eating disorder thing again. i think back at how much i didn’t eat during those months with my trainer. like 800 calories a day. man i hit that before noon these days. i don’t want to weigh myself. i just want to WANT to eat healthy again and be in shape. i just want to lose like maybe 10-12 pounds? fml right now.

lily, i make more money than you. excuse me?! ... dance for me.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:32:27 -0500

seeing people sucks. they expect too much. and i don’t have that much to give. i did for one person, but that was it. if i don’t feel that deep of a connection with you, how do you feel it with me? that’s just what i don’t really understand. i’m not giving you vibes that i want something more. in fact, i’m wheeling (unfortunately the worst lay of life and another guy who had a girlfriend. my life sucks) without your knowledge and i’m not feeling guilty.

that was when i knew. when i made out with someone else and i did not feel guilty. and i would do it again. oh wait, i will. more than once. this week. i’m convinced i’m a whore. and i’m convinced i’m okay with it. until i get an sti, then i probably won’t be. just jokes! sort of. but this anthony thing is killed.

i realized that he isn’t even my type. at all. i’m not into hockey players. i’m not into egos. and if you can’t make me laugh… well boy, you’re just shit out of luck, aren’t you? and all of his clinginess is just such a turnoff that i’m not even physically attracted to him anymore. and now that i even think about it, sex wasn’t that amazing. he talks a lot during it too. and he always needs me to stroke his ego. like are you kidding me? excuse me while i go vomit, angie’s model. and we can’t even have a conversation.

so no. i’m trying to make my point clear to him. but it’s not working. he’s not taking the hints. well he is, but then i become too nice. but still honest, telling him he’s coming off strong. and he’s still dodging my question if he wants something more. i really want him to say yes. so that i can say no and say maybe this whole thing should stop because we don’t want the same thing.

please oh please say yes.

and i want to buy an algonquin tshirt. i don’t know why, but i have that urge. maybe i will tomorrow :) with my invisible money.

lily, i make more money than you. excuse me?! ... dance for me.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:31:41 -0500

please oh please say yes.

and i want to buy an algonquin tshirt. i don’t know why, but i have that urge. maybe i will tomorrow :) with my invisible money.

if you play, you play for keeps; take the gun and count to 3

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:44:22 -0400

the entire left side of my face hurts.

stupid sinus. but my sister had cold cyrop that actually legit tastes like grape juice. usually that’s just a lie and it still tastes like crap, but i had a teaspoon and was like OMG this is so good. i’ll have 2! i had my pepsi ready to chase it but i did not need it.

but because i’m been blowing my nose so much my head is KILLING, then it went to my cheeks, and my teeth. so i can barely eat. my mom’s like “have an apple!” oh sure. a hard fruit. so intelligent. i can barely even have bread, so i’m basically just not eating.

this better be gone by tomorrow. i do not need a runny nose trying to ruin my halloween. i’m so excited. it’s my favourite day of the year. this year i’m being a lady bug and i just painted my nails red and put black dots on them :) and tomorrow i’m making bat and pumpkin shaped cookies with my mom and then going to farnaz’s to carve a pumpkin before getting ready to get destroyed with heather.

it’s going to be very exciting :) i have to remember to drunk text sean. and robyn. oh lordy. thank god i have free texting!

so tomorrow night i’m going to a party with heather. i don’t know the guy, heather’s really good friends with him and i met him once but i was so drunk and it was in april. so basically i will know one person. but you know what? i’m still so excited regardless. i love meeting new people. when i’m drinking i’m so social. and i’m heather’s wingman so i’m going to get her to wheel.

robyn, answer me this. if i’m only seeing anthony, and we have noooo plans on being official, and i made out with someone tomorrow night (no sex i swear. why ruin a good thing), that’s not cheating? cause you need to be in an actual relationship to cheat. and we both talked about it and said we could do whatever we wanted, but then we said we didn’t want to. i mostly said that just to not sound like a slut.

holy fuck i’m hungry.

i guess it's just a silly song about you and how i lost you

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:25:27 -0400

i need to update the pictures on my wall. maybe i’ll do that today before school. i think the most recent photos on there are from syracuse and going to the beach in MAY. my summer is no where to be found on my wall. and i don’t know, but i love looking at pictures of my friends. especially now that i’m single.

it’s weird. i know they say that people always ditch their friends when they get boyfriends/girlfriends. i believe that’s true. i know i did. for two solid years. and i know people hated it, and talked about it, and talked about me, but i still did it. i would bail on going out all the time unless it was a birthday. i had a boyfriend, where’s the fun in going clubbing? majority of my friends believe that dancing with another guy is cheating. seriously? get out of here. but i didn’t want them chirping.

but seriously, all of these pictures on my wall are from big events: gian/emma/heather’s combined birthday, prom, heather’s cottage, britney spears and the beach. i didn’t really do much. i haven’t done just like a random photoshoot in ages. i kind of miss those.

but again, i look at the pictures of my friends and i smile. because even though for 2 years i wasn’t as close with them as i could have been, after justin and i broke up, they welcomed me back with open arms. because even though i was “gone” for 2 years, our friendship still meant something. kind of like they knew it would happen and that i would still need someone. and those are truly good friends.

yeah i definitely need to update that corner of my bedroom. i’ve had my birthday parties, my entire effing summer (!!!), fabiola/rochelle/vanessa’s going away parties, kingston, lil wayne, blink 182… holy. maybe one day i’ll fill out that entire wall. doubt it though.

why the fuck did i wake up at 6:30 on my own?! i mean i understand that i went to bed at 10, but still. i should have slept for more than 8.5 hours. i’m sick, aren’t i? i want to pass out for like 12 hours. that would be pretty wild for me since i usually don’t even sleep past 7. i mean, there’s no one on msn, and anyone on facebook chat i have no desire to talk to. there’s still only infomercials on tv at this hour. or 5 minute long tv shows for kids with insane a.d.d (how are you supposed to learn a lesson about life in 5 minutes? even the magic schoolbus couldn’t pull that off).

ugh. i guess i can go tanning in like over an hour? at least i get paid today. i need to buy a new dress for this gala that gian invited me to with his family. anne marie’s not letting me borrow any of hers (only the fugly ones) and i have none that are a) appropriate and b) if they are, they are wayyy too big for me now. so i guess i’ll hit up winners because i need cheapcheapcheap.

the sun’s not even out yet. pathetic.

p.s.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:38:37 -0400

i’ve totally lost my taste buds. i can’t even taste peanut butter.

my life is over.

something always brings me back to you

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:37:35 -0400

so i’m going to work in an hour.

i’ve been trapped at home, sick with the flu of the swine variety, but i need to socialize. i need human contact. i miss seeing people. talking to people. sure i have a fever, and i’m always coughing and sniffling and my legs really hurt, but that’s okay. i need contact. i’m going pretty insane here. and it’s only a 3 hour shift, so it won’t be that terrible.

i did cancel my date with anthony tonight though. we were going to go see paranormal activity. looks scary as fuuuck. but i don’t think i could make it though it without taking a nap somewhere.

i feel like we don’t have actual conversations anymore. like its one thing just draaaaaaged on. and its not even something interesting. i don’t know, maybe i’m just saying that because i’m sick. he’s just not the best conversationalist. sigh.

fml right now.

and justin’s fucking harrassing me through emails. he sent me this song, and i was like wtf leave me alone. he was like “you’re not the person i thought you were” because i said i refuse to dwell on the past and i have the right to be happy. like are for fucking real? so i just said “events change people. and if you think i’m a slut or whatever, then so be it” and he hasn’t answered since. thank god.

that kid will send me to a mental hospital, i swear.

the stars lean down to kiss you; and i lie down and start to miss you

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 12:30:23 -0400

what to do

i have no idea what i even want to write about. i feel like i have so much to just let go. but i just don’t know how to word it. i’m feeling a million emotions right now. so many frustrations. i just don’t even know where to start.

on the bright side, i bought my halloween costume today. i’m going to be a lady bug :) and me and heather are making halloween cookies for the party we’re getting polluted at on saturday.

and i have two midterms on tuesday. haven’t started studying. don’t want to either. i’m so sick i just want to go die. good timing mel.

look alive.

i still can't say it after all we've been through

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 23:38:17 -0400

i had to take the plan b pill tonight. that was just awesome. and then i just started crying. i feel like i’ve hit a point where this is not where i wanted my life to be a month ago. i feel… friendless. i have robyn and farnaz. that is it. 2 friends. it’s not enough to me.

and i’m almost starting to feel a little used. i feel like anthony’s only in this for the sex. it should be a compliment but it’s not. i’m not a friend with benefits. i’m a girlfriend. but i can’t be his girlfriend. not like this anyways. the connection’s just not deep enough yet. it’s not the same. it just feels like as hard as i try - and i know i shouldn’t force it - it just isn’t the same. it doesn’t feel the same. i don’t want it the same. i don’t miss it the same. all of those were grammatically incorrect - but i understand my point.

if anthony stopped talking to me, it wouldn’t hurt as much. because he wasn’t my friend before.

why can’t i stop crying. i haven’t cried in months. i don’t know why. well, i do, sort of, but i shouldn’t be crying. it’s not worth it. i just feel lonely. as weird as that is. i’ve been with anthony and all, but it still feels a little empty, so i’m turning that into loneliness. i don’t know what i’m feeling right now. i feel like a mess. and i have to open tomorrow. so i shouldn’t be feeling like a mess.

my chest hurts.

i don't want to be friends; want your bad romance

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:07:56 -0400

oh god.

i have the food network on (obvs) and i just saw that commercial for girls with eating disorders. the one with the girl who’s on the phone with her mom saying she’s sorry she missed dinner, and that she already ate? oh my god. her body just gives me the chills. i couldn’t imagine being like that. it was disgusting. like i know girls say they’re fat and stuff, but i think i would rather be fat and happy then look like that. and your body hair gets weird, long, thin and white too.

last night was a great night. i mean, apart from great sex and great hang out time, it was great. anthony has a mirror on his dresser, and i sat up, only wearing my underwear and looked at myself. i actually legit for the first time liked what i saw. i felt really happy. i hate it when i’m sitting, and its like the roles, but i was actually really comfortable with him, basically naked all the time. but he keeps coming back for more, so clearly i can’t be disgusting. that is just the way i see it.

he’s incredible. and big. thank god. because luck hasn’t been on my side these days when it comes to that. but we just didn’t stop doing it. but it’s not all like that. we would always just lie there and talk. and i hung out with his family too. his mom is incredible at baking. and his sister is such a little 13 year old. god i don’t miss those days. but i mean, i’m happy with where we are. finally established last night that we were seeing each other and we kissed goodbye today at school. ME. i am very un-pda. but i wanted to.

i’m still not 100% feeling it though. i’m like at 90%. and i don’t know why. he’s cute, he’s nice, he’s funny, athletic, family-oriented, smart, and rich.

what’s wrong with me. but he is growing on me. i find we’re starting to act more like a couple. just the way he hugs me and kisses my hand and little things like that. and whitney was telling me today that he really wants to be my boyfriend. apparently she can tell because he’s always looking at me and i just never notice. and he always texts. but that’s just how we are. i mean if something happens, then it does. but i do truly like where we are. but the idea of something more if growing on me. i just need a wait a little more, make sure i’m 100% and that i’m ready. because i’m still not because of justin.

but only time will tell right.

ugh. ben and jerry’s on foodnetwork. what a big fuck you.

i want your drama, the touch of your hand;

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:11:55 -0400

so anthony and i came to a conclusion late last night.

we’re getting married!!!

i kid of course. we both agreed that we don’t want to go any further than we are now. so we’re seeing each other. and only each other really. but we don’t want the pressure, the title or anything else that comes with being officially a couple. we’ve both just come out of relationships, so maybe it’s too soon for him? i said it was for me, but that’s not completely true.

i just like where we are. that’s it. i don’t want to be his girlfriend. maybe soon i’ll be someone’s girlfriend, but i can’t see myself as his. our relationship is too flirty, too sexual if i had to say something. but it’s not very deep. i mean, he makes me laugh, he’s nice, good looking, has good taste. but for ME personally, he’s not someone i can picture as my boyfriend.

so that’s all we are really. and we’re both happy and comfortable with that. no one really knows that there’s something going on here. i think like 3 or 4 people know i’m seeing someone? i’m not really telling everyone on the planet because it’s not serious, it’s not about to get serious, and it’s just fun and casual. nothing to really make a big deal about. if i get asked, then sure i’ll tell. but i won’t brag or put it on facebook.

it is what it is, and nothing more. and i’m okay with that. at least if the “i think we should see other people” speech happens, it’s easier than “we should break up”. so to me the cup is half full.

but i need to effing sleep. aerie’s killing me and i have an accounting test that i am not ready for in the morning. fml.

i’ve basically just been really traumatized for the first time. i’ve never really...

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 21:22:39 -0400

i’ve basically just been really traumatized for the first time. i’ve never really witnessed abuse. it’s actually a scary thing. whenever new people come over, we warn them: don’t touch or try and pet cooper. he’s not nice with strangers. you have to let him come to you. well, my retarded aunt (surprisingly not the crazy one) is visiting, and she’s been here all night for dinner, and cooper still didn’t warm up to her. so she went down to pet him after dinner, and he nipped. that’s all. he growled and he nipped like he always does. what does she do?

beats him. literally starts hitting his body against the ground and starts pounding him. i’ve never heard that sound come out of cooper before. what does my mom do? she watches and let’s it happen, helping her hold cooper down. he gets free and bites her. tears some skin obviously. it’s like a human, if you’re getting beat up, you fight back. it’s a completely natural instinct. she just keeps on going. cooper is so upset by this point that he’s both peed and pooed right there on the spot. i kept screaming at her to stop but she wouldn’t. and my mom, grandparents and sister just watched. my uncle was encouraging it. like for fuck’s sake, he’s a puppy!!

after being very forceful i finally got him and ran up to my room. he was shaking like crazy, i was crying. like cooper is my pet. he is my child. i understand if he nips, you hit him ONCE. once is enough. you dont hold him down and keep going and going and going.

so my mom comes upstairs and tries to explain. there is NO explaination. you do not abuse a human or an animal. you do not abuse a living creature. dogs may not be able to talk, but they can still feel, just like everyone else. my aunt was going on about how if he does that to anyone else, they can put him down. ok a) we give every person a warning, DONT touch him. and b) he bit you hard because you were tearing into him. it’s called defense.

my mom tried to take cooper away from me but i just couldn’t let go of him. i understand that i’m almost encouraging what he did, but i’m not. i’m protecting my dog from her and her disgusting training tactics. that is NOT how it’s done. i’ve had 3 dogs before. it is NEVER how it’s done.

oh my god. i need to go do something productive. i’m going to shoppers. spending money makes me happy.

i'm infected by the sound; stop, this beat is killing me

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 12:18:18 -0400

robyn vincent, you are adorable.

so date #2 was a success last night. he picked me up from a brutal 9 hour shift at aerie (where i didnt go on break for SEVEN hours. i was starved) and we saw the stepfather. not as scary as i thought it would be. like at all. i jumped once. but dan humphrey is haaaaat. just saying. so basically spent a few extra hours with anthony because he drove me home and we were talking for about an hour with the radio on when booooom. car battery dies. i don’t have cables for that, so he had to call CAA, so we just hung out inside. he met my mother at 2:30 in the morning. how awesome. not.

sigh. why me? why can’t i be 100% into this. can someone please tell me why. it’s driving me bananas. because he’s really into me. i can tell. and i like him. but i don’t know. i can’t see it going any further than this right now. i almost don’t want it to. i don’t know what i want to be honest. fuck. not another pickle. i hate pickles. actual pickles and imaginary pickles.

i really want to go shopping. i just found the cuuuuutest things at aerie yesterday as we finally went through our apparel. im excited for a discount. and new clothes all over the place. but i really want to shop right now. i just have no money. but i have got so many hours from aerie this week. plus megatan it’s like 30. my next paycheck will be awesome. but unfortunately it has to go towards my creditcards. they need to be paid down. A LOT. and then ill probably use it within the next ten minutes. omgggg who gave me a credit card. and EVERY day at school, as i’m walking past the portable feast, the guy at the BMO stand always asks if i want to sign up for a creditcard. one day i’ll probably cave and say yes. and i’ll be going to hell that same day.

so i went out for breakfast with jasmine today. haven’t seen her since maybe april. and before that was high school. but now she’s home for good and we had a really nice time. i do miss her. but she did tell me something. once, when she and vlada were talking about my weight loss, vlada told jasmine “well melanie was really fat in grade 11”. yup. this was my best friend. my anorexic best friend. how awesome. and jasmine loooooved that since we were like the same size. so i’m pretty happy i didn’t invite her along. but it sucks that i wasn’t invited to jasmine’s wedding. i’m sure if we were talking again a year ago, i would have been. but it still sucks cause we were attached at the hip for 3 years. we knew everything about each other, the 3 of us. but that’s just life isn’t it. i’m sure when i get married, i won’t not invite her because i wasn’t invited to hers. but cora’s was also ridiculous. just saying.

i want to nap so badly right now. and eat. even though i just ate a feast.

fml.